i hate every minute of it... all of it.

i hate living here. all i do is get yelled at... by someone... every fucking day. i hear about what a terrible daughter i am. how lazy i am. how my anger controls me. how im a slave to my addictions. how i have no respect and that i dont know when to hold my tounge. i hate having to live by someone else's rules and standards. i hate this whole pile of shit they call "self improvement".

but how can one improve one's self when one doesnt really see the need or want any kind of improvement? i was happy living life the way i have been. mabey not with some of the people i was living with (marissa excluded), but i was happy with my life. i see nothing wrong with smoking. i see nothing wrong with drinking. i see nothing wrong with cussing. i see nothing wrong with pre marital sex. i see nothing wrong with staying up all hours of the night. i see nothing wrong with watching rated r movies. i see nothing wrong with listening to secular music. i see nothing wrong with not going to church. i see nothing wrong with my way of life. i dont do drugs. i dont drink excessivly. i dont do what most people my age do. not because im afraid. not because i know it's wrong. just because i dont want to.

i hate when people try to be something they're not. i've been the way i am my whole life. i changed for someone once, and i hated myself for 7 months. i felt like i was in someone else's skin. i wasnt myself.... and i guess it was because i wasnt allowed to be. who i was wasnt acceptable. it wasnt valued or appreciated or loved or anything else but hated and despised... and not just in his family. my mom loved what i had become. and what's sad about that is that she knew i was miserable. she knew i hated every fucking minute of it. but she was happy. and that's all that really matters.

i hate hearing about the past. i hate hearing about who they were and what they have become. i hate hearing about what they did and how you feel about it. i dont fucking care.

the world needs to understand that it sucks. girls are bitches and boys are ass holes. women lie and men cheat. your cat WILL get hit by a car and die. your cookies WILL get old and stale. your favorite article of clothing WILL get thrown in the dryer, and it WILL shrink. but you know what. fucking deal. like i said... the world sucks...

life's a bitch, then you die.

shiggidywah......

and that is all i have to say about that.

Currently Listening Way We Are By Fleming & John see related

so.. i just got home from a rather invigorating night at the beach.. awesome....

blah... i absolutly love it when i write things like the previous enrty (below)..... and then... i see that person... and forget all about my troubles..... how could i ever have thought such a thing?..... he is... fantabulous.... but no one ever listens to me... i always tell people not to leave me alone... but they always do.. and then i start to think absolutly stupid things like that... and im sure it will happen again..... but.. just know that when i do that i am in one of my crazy emo moods, and pay no mind....

i have sand in my pants... and i dont like it.

I DONT HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW!!!!! TAKE THAT SUCKAS!

hhhmmm... i want to see him....... he makes me happy...... in ways that i probably shouldnt be....*makes the chloe/dawn face*....

~* i have butterflies in my tummy.. and i think its his fault*~

Currently Listening The Room's Too Cold By Early November ever so sweet see related

is he a cheater?......

do i have another "holly" in my life to deal with now?

my, my.... how i do wonder.

Currently Listening Aftertaste By Helmet see related

blah.....

today has been good.....

and i feel strangly accomplished.... i made appts. to go and look for a new job so that i can go and get more money.... because now i need more money... for such things as car insurance, phone bill, and any other little expense that may show it's ugly little head.

work was not totally horrible today.... actually... it went quite quickly and was rather enjoyable....

im going to be by myself tonight..... and i may go nuts. im not sure yet.

so...... yeah. im getting over it.... i am slowly realizing that not every guy is like nick.... and its getting to the point where i dont get quite as angry as i did whenever he chooses to do it.... well.. not angry so much as annoyed or irked.... yes i said irked.

i went to the dollar store today to buy myself an air freshener for my car..... and while im not quite partial to the scent... at least my car no longer smells of ocean and nicotine... so... that's always a positive....

and as i read this... all the words just kinda look like this......:

blah blah blah... bleh blehty bleh bleh..... bluh.... blah bleh bluh.